Okay, since my life story has been requested, here it is the Reader's Digest condensed version. I'm going to include my online life too, since it's such a big part of who I am. :grin:

I was married at 21 to someone who was my "rebound guy." I knew at every step along the way (moving in together, buying a house, planning our wedding) that I wasn't completely head-over-heels in love with him, but honestly - my self esteem was so low and I guess I had such tunnel vision, I didn't listen to my inner voice nagging me that something wasn't right. How many of you know one of those Angry White Guys? Do you know who I'm talking about? The ones who have road rage and love movies like Top Gun and hate their mothers and belittle people at work and can't dance and stand in their driveway on the weekend, drinking cheap beer and making fun of gays and minorities? The ones who never lift a finger to help with the kids or the house, who can't even take their dinner plate from the table to the sink, who leave skid marks in their underwear and wear sneakers with Dockers and consider that "dressing up?" Who don't believe in God and who think saying sorry makes it okay that they got drunk and called you every name in the book? Well, that was the guy I was married to. And we had a daughter together, which is at the same time the best and worst thing. The best because she's the light of my life - the sweetest little girl you'd ever want to know - and she looks just like me! The worst because it ties me to him for the rest of my life.

I was a stay-at-home mommy most of the time during her young years. We had so much fun together! We went EVERYWHERE - shopping, out to eat, to museums and libraries and parks and swimming pools. She was the sweetest, prettiest toddler - ruined me for these guys, because she was SO well-behaved. I never had to childproof the house beyond outlet covers - she never got into anything. Once she wrote on the wall with a pencil. That's all I can think of as far as Toddler Destruction is concerned. And I loved being her mommy. And the older I got, the sadder I got, because even though I had this wonderful child, that's all I had. I didn't have a life partner who loved and supported me. I didn't have anyone to talk to about my feelings and my hopes and dreams. I was lonelier than I've ever been.

I spent a couple of crazy years trying to figure out just how to deal with my life - we partied with our friends all the time (Although my ex is a heavy drinker, I am not and never really was, except for that two or three year period.) I met a whole bunch of people online through a parenting forum during this time, and I credit them with helping me realize that I was a worthwhile person who deserved love and who deserved MORE out of life. There are a dozen or more of these women I still talk to today, nine years later - we still talk online almost every day. I went on for a couple of years, miserable, only finding happiness when playing with my daughter or chatting with my friends online.

We went through marriage counseling and had actually close to a year that was really awesome. I was really in love and happy and I thought there was a real joy in our house, until The Fight happened. My ex came home drunk, woke me up in the middle of the night, and spent several hours saying awful things to me - things you can't take back. The next morning, he didn't remember it. That's when the real depression started. The realization that no matter what I did, it wouldn't be enough. Unfortunately, it took close to a year and a half after that for me to come out of my fog enough to make changes. I remember it so clearly. It was like someone turned a switch. One night, I was talking to a friend of mine online on AIM, and out of the blue I said, "I think I'm going to leave." Just like that. The next day, I opened up a PO box and a bank account. The day after that, I told my parents. A couple of days later, my dad sent me money to pay the retainer to my divorce lawyer, and my mom and I were in his office, writing up the paperwork. It was that fast.

I went from being a stay-at-home mom to a full-time working mom, living in a little crappy apartment with our daughter within just a few weeks. This is also where I started to see God working in my life. How could I have just had some sort of...epiphany like that, and done all that, and found a great job in a terrible job market...just like that? People came out of the woodwork to help me. Friends of my husband helped me move out - they even bought me my first cordless drill as a housewarming gift, so I could put together my new bed. It was emotionally wretching - my personal rock bottom - but I knew I had to do it. I knew it was tearing apart my family and hurting our daughter - but I knew I had to do it. I couldn't live with the idea that she would spend her life watching her dad belittle her mom every single day, and think that's how husbands and wives behave. I couldn't stand thinking that SHE would marry someone who treated her like garbage. I've always maintained that I did what I had to for the greater good.

So...one night a girlfriend of mine said it was time for us to go out and have some fun. I felt like such a dork - it was really the first time I'd ever gone "clubbing" - and I was twenty-nine years old! I ended up meeting a guy who was SO cute - I remember thinking, he looks like the guy from Smashmouth. I know it's shallow to say it, but I really found myself gravitating toward him because physically, he was the absolute opposite of my ex in every way. Tall, broad, dark...and SO cute. We started dating, very casually, and I thought - perfect. This is the perfect guy for me to be with and not have to worry about getting serious. He's cute, funny, likes to party - we'll have a great time together. I wasn't planning on falling absolutely head-over-heels, weak in the knees, twitterpated when I saw his number on the caller ID, absolutely madly crazy in love with him. But I did. Before my divorce was even final, I realized I'd found my true love, my soulmate. I truly believe God/fate/whatever brought him to me. It wasn't by chance.

When I look back on those weeks and months, all I can do is smile. I remember I was positively walking on air. The little notes I would find when I woke up in the morning...the sweet emails throughout the day...the roses I would get "just because you're my baby"...it was an amazing, magical time. And then when I found out - oops - I was pregnant - I was so worried. Worried about what would happen to us, how it would change things. It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to us. The man was thrilled to death about having a kid - and when we found out it was twins - he was even more excited. We went house hunting - started construction on a new home for our family - and waited for our little angels to arrive.

And when the babies came, he continued to amaze me. He immediately jumped into the parenting thing, staying up all night with me, helping me feed the babies, changing diapers, doing everything he could to help. And he's been the best daddy EVER. And when we decided to have one more baby and it turned out to be twins AGAIN, he held me while I cried, so afraid of what was in store for us. He told me it'd all be okay and we'd make it work and he'd take care of us - and it has been. It's all been okay. We've made it work. And he's taken care of us. And we have four little babies we love so much, who make us crazy every single day. And we've been broke as a joke for two years, trying to sell his old townhouse. And we've dealt with psycho family issues. And death. And drama galore from my lameass ex husband. And illness. And you know what? It's EASY. It's mostly easy. I'm stupified by it almost - still - daily - how it's EASY to get through life's ups and downs when you have someone who loves you by your side. When you fall asleep at night and feel safe and loved and hear someone tell you how much they love you and appreciate you every single day. It's just EASY. It's so easy to appreciate what NORMAL is when you've lived through pure shit.

And so that's my story. We got together and fell in love, but the babies came before the marriage. And now that they're all here, we've decided it's time to have a nice little wedding. There are a billion other details I've left out (hard to believe when you scroll up and see eleventy-seven paragraphs) but the key idea is: it's all about the love, baby. That's all. That's the secret. When people see me with my huge stroller o' babies and go, "How do you DO it?" That's how. I have someone who loves me, no matter how screwed up I am. Someone who loves my big ass and my stretch marks and my sparkly green eyes and the way I laugh at Seinfeld and my ugly tattoos and my eccentric parents. Someone who loves me, no matter what, even if we have a fight, even if I wreck the car, even if whatever. And that magical, butterflies feeling hasn't gone away, four kids later. Yay, us!