Some thoughts about God and stuff.
Well.
You know, I keep finding myself lately - as in the past year and a half or so - praying a lot. Which is a weird thing for me, a former atheist, a former Pagan Wiccan practicing in a coven, a former, uh...child dragged to Baptist Sunday school by my grandparents every summer as a child.
I've never felt like I fit in with any religion. I've always thought it was all bullshit. I hate being so blunt, but...I always felt like I was in the story of the Emporer's New Clothes, and nobody could see he was naked but me. As a child, I listened to the stories and sang all the Jesus songs, but I never felt it.
And as an adult, Wicca was the closest I came to feeling at home in a religion. When I practiced as a solitaire, I felt almost like I was *there*, you know what I mean? When I meditated and listened to the wind blowing, I felt closer to God than I ever had in my life. But when I practiced with a coven, I started feeling once again like it was all bullshit. The invocations felt so theatrical and overdramatic that I felt more like I was playing a part in a play than trying to become closer to the Goddess. And then, a falling out with the coven I was in left such a bad taste in my mouth, I completely distanced myself from anything religious at all.
It wasn't until I left my ex-husband and was going through what was my personal rock bottom time of my life that I felt like I needed something more to hold onto. So, I guess it was roughly three years ago that I found myself praying regularly. And after going through the emotional rollercoaster (that doesn't even begin to describe what it's like, really!) of having two sets of twins back to back and caring for them 24/7 day in and day out, I guess I find myself praying a lot these days. I still don't know who I'm praying to. My friends who are Christian seem so at peace with life and so confident that things are gonna work out...well, it makes me want to be a Christian. But I just can't. As much as I want to believe that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my sins, I just don't buy it all. I can't even begin to wrap my head around the idea that millions of people FULLY BELIEVE WITHOUT A DOUBT that every animal and insect and gnat and bug and kitten and rat and alligator floated around on an ark for forty days. It all just seems like total bullshit to me. Even when I want to believe in it with my heart, it reads like Greek mythology. So I don't believe in it.
But something is stirring within me, without a doubt. Otherwise, I wouldn't find myself on my knees every day, praying for patience and guidance. I don't know if I'm praying to God or if I'm just trying desperately to find my reservoir of inner strength. Trying to "fake it 'till you make it", so to speak. I really don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know. But for now, it's working for me. I believe that praying every day and begging for forgiveness for losing my temper with my children and asking for help becoming the best wife and mother I can be is helping me, slowly but surely.
I think, for me, this is as good as it gets. I really feel like I've found God for the first time in my life. When I see my beautiful children, I know they are miracles. I know there has to be some greater force going on - when someone like me is given a second chance at happiness - escaping a terrible marriage, finding a wonderful man, and just by chance, having four beautiful babies. Something is at work there. And I'm choosing to recognize that in my own mind and be thankful for it.
You know, I keep finding myself lately - as in the past year and a half or so - praying a lot. Which is a weird thing for me, a former atheist, a former Pagan Wiccan practicing in a coven, a former, uh...child dragged to Baptist Sunday school by my grandparents every summer as a child.
I've never felt like I fit in with any religion. I've always thought it was all bullshit. I hate being so blunt, but...I always felt like I was in the story of the Emporer's New Clothes, and nobody could see he was naked but me. As a child, I listened to the stories and sang all the Jesus songs, but I never felt it.
And as an adult, Wicca was the closest I came to feeling at home in a religion. When I practiced as a solitaire, I felt almost like I was *there*, you know what I mean? When I meditated and listened to the wind blowing, I felt closer to God than I ever had in my life. But when I practiced with a coven, I started feeling once again like it was all bullshit. The invocations felt so theatrical and overdramatic that I felt more like I was playing a part in a play than trying to become closer to the Goddess. And then, a falling out with the coven I was in left such a bad taste in my mouth, I completely distanced myself from anything religious at all.
It wasn't until I left my ex-husband and was going through what was my personal rock bottom time of my life that I felt like I needed something more to hold onto. So, I guess it was roughly three years ago that I found myself praying regularly. And after going through the emotional rollercoaster (that doesn't even begin to describe what it's like, really!) of having two sets of twins back to back and caring for them 24/7 day in and day out, I guess I find myself praying a lot these days. I still don't know who I'm praying to. My friends who are Christian seem so at peace with life and so confident that things are gonna work out...well, it makes me want to be a Christian. But I just can't. As much as I want to believe that Jesus Christ died on a cross for my sins, I just don't buy it all. I can't even begin to wrap my head around the idea that millions of people FULLY BELIEVE WITHOUT A DOUBT that every animal and insect and gnat and bug and kitten and rat and alligator floated around on an ark for forty days. It all just seems like total bullshit to me. Even when I want to believe in it with my heart, it reads like Greek mythology. So I don't believe in it.
But something is stirring within me, without a doubt. Otherwise, I wouldn't find myself on my knees every day, praying for patience and guidance. I don't know if I'm praying to God or if I'm just trying desperately to find my reservoir of inner strength. Trying to "fake it 'till you make it", so to speak. I really don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know. But for now, it's working for me. I believe that praying every day and begging for forgiveness for losing my temper with my children and asking for help becoming the best wife and mother I can be is helping me, slowly but surely.
I think, for me, this is as good as it gets. I really feel like I've found God for the first time in my life. When I see my beautiful children, I know they are miracles. I know there has to be some greater force going on - when someone like me is given a second chance at happiness - escaping a terrible marriage, finding a wonderful man, and just by chance, having four beautiful babies. Something is at work there. And I'm choosing to recognize that in my own mind and be thankful for it.
posted by Unknown at 9:29 PM
12 Comments:
That made me cry.
That was really beautiful Laura!!
Made me cry too....
Ok. I just typed out this HUGE long comment and decided to send it email. xoxoxo.
I too have disagreed with organized religion; going to a Pentecostal Christian School taught me well of the BS involved. Since the beginning of my pregnancy I have prayed daily for healthy children. Now I have beutiful (and healthy) 13.5 month old boy/girl twins that I also consider miracles.
I still pray daily for my twins and husband. Who knows what/who I am praying to...maybe just my inner self. I really appreciate you throwing your beliefs out there...you made me feel like I'm not alone in my thoughts.
Sometimes, you amaze me. You have said what, I bet, so many people feel.
That was so neat to read. It gave me chills.
dearest lala, you know i'ma christian. i wasn't for most of my life though. guess what? i probably have new questions about the bible every single day. do this- ask God to show you if He is real or not. See what happens. xok8
I thought it was all a load of crap, too. Even when my son came, I was thrilled, but didn't credit him to God. Then our finances went kaput, and the depression led me to have to figure out something to keep me going. I "tried the God thing" and started going to church, mostly at the time just to make friends and have something to do. I'm not sure what happened, but I know that when I started to pray and mean it, great things started happening. Of course, our problems are far from being over, as we've dug a nice, deep hole. However, everytime a new problem arises, I just say, "God will handle it" and stop worrying about it. Sure enough, He does. What's even better, though, is that I, a once full-time worrier, now don't worry about anything (well, for long, that is). My stress level is at an all-time low. It's pretty cool. I don't get it, still, but who cares. Obviously I don't need to know the answers for God to work for me.
My sister is converting to Judaism. She has found it fulfills the needs you are talking about without a lot of the b.s. www.leahj.blog-city.com
As a reformed catholic (ie--I don't consider myself part of that, uh, group anymore) I tell my mom, it's not God I have a problem with. It's his crazyassed sanctimonious followers. Thanks, GWB, for ruining THAT for me too on top of all the other shit you've done.
Praying is a wonderful thing. But gathering in a giant barn once a week with 'like minded' folks talking and chanting about how your god is more awesome than everyone else's god, and anyone who doesn't think so is a loser--well. Fuck that noise.
The day I ever align myself with any of those people again is the day I pull my own fingernails ot with pliers! ugh. In fact, I now consider organized religion one of the most---if not THE most---dangerous things ever invented by the human race. Think about every war ever fought on this planet. What was at the root of it? That's right. Whose god is better than whose.
Thanks for sharing this entry. :)
I've had a mixed spiritual life so far and still feel no closer to finding that fit when it comes to joining a group of people and being religious together. Every time I do I get jaded and a general overall WTF feeling ultimately happens.
The only spiritual peace I've been able to count on is internal. But when I get super aware of those spirital feelings, I try to seek out some sort of definition again and I run in to trouble every time. I just can't conform. I sure wish I could, because from the outside it just looks a hell of a lot easier. But it just never happens for me. That makes my inner peace turn in to turmoil until I come back to the middle and be content with my own individual spiritality again ... does that make any sense?
You got me thinking, LaLa! :)
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