Well, I don't ALWAYS have my shit together!
I can't seem to find my ambition.
I am TIRED. Even on the nights I get to sleep all night, it's still only six hours - and I feel like I'm going one step forward, two steps back when it comes to "catching up" on like TWO YEARS of not getting any sleep.
Today, I did what I was planning for yesterday - I met daddy at McDonald's for lunch with the kids. What a clusterfuck that was. I don't know why I keep trying to do stuff like this, it just ends up being SO much work, and I don't feel like anyone really gets anything out of it. The playland was disgusting. The platform where you climb up into the tubes was positively caked with filth, lint, hair, old food, and stunk of urine. We witnessed one toddler wetting his pants, and a path of drips going from the play area mats to his mama's table. (Actually, I think she was his babysitter, as there were like 5 kids with her and none of them looked alike.) One of the other daycare kids was noticably sick, with snot POURING out of her and a nice cough. I tried to get the kids to steer clear of her, but they'll probably end up with a nice cold by Monday. And the playland was not like some of the others we've gone to - it had NOTHING for small kids to do - only tubes to go up into. And honey and I really weren't relishing the idea of hoisting our fat asses up into the tubes to chase down our kids, so we wouldn't let them go up in there. Really, I only let them run around for five to ten minutes before I said, to hell with all this. The kids threw a FIT because they wanted to play, but it wasn't relaxing at all for us, just chasing them around, trying to keep them out of the urine puddle and the filthy tubes.
So we left. I kissed honey goodbye and decided to go over to Kid-to-Kid and see if I could get some cheap little neat toy for the big twins to play with over the weekend. Yet another huge hassle. I put the big twins in the play area, which is a corner of the store with toys, and carpeted half walls all around it to contain small children. MY children, of course, don't play with toys, the just stack them up and climb with them. And, coincidentally, there was another mom of twins in the store at the same time as me. Generally, twin mamas will give me a sympathetic, knowing glance, but this particular woman was one of those judgemental bitches who think her parenting skills are superior to all other mothers out there. She stood behind me as I was watching over my kids for, oh, a minute or two, until I finally said, "Excuse me, am I in your way here?" and she said, "Uhhhhhhh, yeah. Kind of." Well, speak the fuck up, bitch. You can SEE that I'm a little distracted, yes? I apologized and moved so her kids could get in the play area. She was so condescending - at one point, she glanced disapprovingly at the kids climbing everything and said, "Don't worry, it WILL get easier. I sure remember THOSE days! I know exactly what it's like!" I was like, "Oh, you have two sets of twins too?" She looked in my stroller and saw the little girls and her jaw just dropped. "Oh, wow! I can't even imagine!" That's what I thought, hon. I'm sure it's MUCH easier dealing with a pair 5-year-old girls than it is to deal with FOUR babies in diapers, two of whom are completely dependent on you and two of whom are stubborn as hell and WANT to do everything themselves and won't listen to a word you say. And it's frustrating as HELL that a CHILDREN'S CLOTHING AND EQUIPMENT store is set up in such a cluttered manner that you can't push a stroller - ANY stroller - through it. I guess that's why they have the play area, for you to dump your kids into while you shop, but then what am I supposed to do with the itty bitty girls? I ended up leaving and buying nothing. I just couldn't deal. Everyone was pissing me off. I know a large part of it is that I'M SOOOOOO TIRED, MY EYEBALLS ARE BURNING, but still. I was annoyed, so I left.
I got on the freeway and started heading home and just felt...so shaky and groggy. I thought to myself, maybe I just need fresh air. Maybe I'm not BREATHING enough. You know how it is when you're busy as hell and you sort of forget to breathe for awhile until you're practically hyperventilating? So you take a few deep breaths and you can almost feel your whole chest getting cold, like the air is just spreading out across your chest like tree branches? I just kept filling my chest with air until it hurt, and exhaling and inhaling, until I could FEEL something again. And my eyes just started stinging with tears from out of nowhere. I feel like I'm just running my ass off, getting NOWHERE. All day long, I wipe asses and fix bottles and nuke chicken nuggets and play itsy bitsy spider and put Elmo's World in the DVD player and wash thousands and thousands of sleepers and burp cloths and replace binkies in tiny little round mouths and change batteries in toys and I swear, I go up those damned 18 stairs at LEAST twenty or thirty times a day, with all the laundry and the naptimes and the forgotten this or that and the baths. I swear, I feel like a machine. I don't feel like a human being anymore. I feel like a robot, getting out of bed and feeding babies in the middle of the night and just going, going, going all day long every day. I feel like there is NOTHING to me anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I look like fucking HELL with my hacked up bangs that haven't seen a hairdresser's scissors yet THIS YEAR and my overgrown eyebrows and my grown out roots and my undereye circles from hell. I'm still wearing maternity shirts because I don't want my cute shirts to get stained from spitup and leaking formula (those fucking lameass leaky Avent bottles!! I hate them!!!) I don't have any bras that fit right anymore - I haven't bought new underwear since before the FIRST twins were born. I haven't bought new jeans or capris or cute little tank tops or new shoes in like, a year and a half. Until we can sell that motherfucking albatross of a townhome, we can't afford anything extra at all - but hell, even if I were freakin' LOADED, when would I go shopping for new clothes?? I don't have time to get A SHOWER every single day, and there are MANY days where it's noon before I realize I haven't brushed my teeth yet. All I do is take care of these children 24/7. That's my entire life, save for the one night a month I go to my twin club meetings.
And I don't know what to do about it. I really don't have a fucking clue. Yesterday, I was SO EXCITED that I met some mommies - that we could potentially hang out and my kids could make friends - today, I feel like - why bother? Why should I be seeking out friendships I won't have time to maintain? Why should I be trying to make playdates that I'll have to leave after half an hour because my kids are just too much for one person to handle? And why can't I handle my own freakin' kids?? Is it ever going to get better? Because it seems like it's just going to get HARDER, dude. As it is, when I go out for the day with my kids anywhere, I come home freakin' EXHAUSTED. Four trips from the house to the car to load the kids up, and four trips from the car to the house to unload them. And however many trips to unload groceries and stuff. After pushing my 80-pound stroller with sixty pounds of kids in it, and pulling a cart of groceries behind me all through the store. What else am I supposed to do? I can't figure it out. For so long, I thought, "The kids and I are going stir crazy in this house. We need to get OUT." Now I think, "Is it REALLY worth the hassle??" I'd open up some wine and drink it straight out of the bottle, except I'm still on the clock until midnight and then I have to get up again probably at 3 or 4 and then for good by 6 or 7.
Anyway. I guess I'm just rambling here, but I do have a point: I'm tired. I'm getting burned out. As much as I adore these little monkeys, I need to get the hell away from them for a little while. I need a break. I need some help. As much as I try to play supermom and do everything, I just can't DO all this shit. I just can't. I keep trying, and I feel like I'm failing miserably. Some days you can walk into my house and the kitchen is clean and the kids are dressed and I smell good, and other days, there are still Froot Loops on the floor from breakfast - the previous day! I've GOT to find somebody out there to help me a little bit.
How, exactly, does one go about finding a very very part-time nanny? Like, less than ten hours a week? An hour or two a day, or maybe two five hour days or something like that. Where do I find someone like this? And how much will it cost? I'm hoping and praying that we can swing it, but at this point, I'll cheerfully sell off my worldly possessions on eBay, as long as I can get a fucking nap and go to Starbucks and clean my bathrooms and go get my hair cut AT A SALON.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. Don't worry that I'm going to go all Mary Alice or anything. You know me, Miss Suzy Fucking Sunshine, and by tomorrow, I'll be my old happy self again, I'm sure.
I am TIRED. Even on the nights I get to sleep all night, it's still only six hours - and I feel like I'm going one step forward, two steps back when it comes to "catching up" on like TWO YEARS of not getting any sleep.
Today, I did what I was planning for yesterday - I met daddy at McDonald's for lunch with the kids. What a clusterfuck that was. I don't know why I keep trying to do stuff like this, it just ends up being SO much work, and I don't feel like anyone really gets anything out of it. The playland was disgusting. The platform where you climb up into the tubes was positively caked with filth, lint, hair, old food, and stunk of urine. We witnessed one toddler wetting his pants, and a path of drips going from the play area mats to his mama's table. (Actually, I think she was his babysitter, as there were like 5 kids with her and none of them looked alike.) One of the other daycare kids was noticably sick, with snot POURING out of her and a nice cough. I tried to get the kids to steer clear of her, but they'll probably end up with a nice cold by Monday. And the playland was not like some of the others we've gone to - it had NOTHING for small kids to do - only tubes to go up into. And honey and I really weren't relishing the idea of hoisting our fat asses up into the tubes to chase down our kids, so we wouldn't let them go up in there. Really, I only let them run around for five to ten minutes before I said, to hell with all this. The kids threw a FIT because they wanted to play, but it wasn't relaxing at all for us, just chasing them around, trying to keep them out of the urine puddle and the filthy tubes.
So we left. I kissed honey goodbye and decided to go over to Kid-to-Kid and see if I could get some cheap little neat toy for the big twins to play with over the weekend. Yet another huge hassle. I put the big twins in the play area, which is a corner of the store with toys, and carpeted half walls all around it to contain small children. MY children, of course, don't play with toys, the just stack them up and climb with them. And, coincidentally, there was another mom of twins in the store at the same time as me. Generally, twin mamas will give me a sympathetic, knowing glance, but this particular woman was one of those judgemental bitches who think her parenting skills are superior to all other mothers out there. She stood behind me as I was watching over my kids for, oh, a minute or two, until I finally said, "Excuse me, am I in your way here?" and she said, "Uhhhhhhh, yeah. Kind of." Well, speak the fuck up, bitch. You can SEE that I'm a little distracted, yes? I apologized and moved so her kids could get in the play area. She was so condescending - at one point, she glanced disapprovingly at the kids climbing everything and said, "Don't worry, it WILL get easier. I sure remember THOSE days! I know exactly what it's like!" I was like, "Oh, you have two sets of twins too?" She looked in my stroller and saw the little girls and her jaw just dropped. "Oh, wow! I can't even imagine!" That's what I thought, hon. I'm sure it's MUCH easier dealing with a pair 5-year-old girls than it is to deal with FOUR babies in diapers, two of whom are completely dependent on you and two of whom are stubborn as hell and WANT to do everything themselves and won't listen to a word you say. And it's frustrating as HELL that a CHILDREN'S CLOTHING AND EQUIPMENT store is set up in such a cluttered manner that you can't push a stroller - ANY stroller - through it. I guess that's why they have the play area, for you to dump your kids into while you shop, but then what am I supposed to do with the itty bitty girls? I ended up leaving and buying nothing. I just couldn't deal. Everyone was pissing me off. I know a large part of it is that I'M SOOOOOO TIRED, MY EYEBALLS ARE BURNING, but still. I was annoyed, so I left.
I got on the freeway and started heading home and just felt...so shaky and groggy. I thought to myself, maybe I just need fresh air. Maybe I'm not BREATHING enough. You know how it is when you're busy as hell and you sort of forget to breathe for awhile until you're practically hyperventilating? So you take a few deep breaths and you can almost feel your whole chest getting cold, like the air is just spreading out across your chest like tree branches? I just kept filling my chest with air until it hurt, and exhaling and inhaling, until I could FEEL something again. And my eyes just started stinging with tears from out of nowhere. I feel like I'm just running my ass off, getting NOWHERE. All day long, I wipe asses and fix bottles and nuke chicken nuggets and play itsy bitsy spider and put Elmo's World in the DVD player and wash thousands and thousands of sleepers and burp cloths and replace binkies in tiny little round mouths and change batteries in toys and I swear, I go up those damned 18 stairs at LEAST twenty or thirty times a day, with all the laundry and the naptimes and the forgotten this or that and the baths. I swear, I feel like a machine. I don't feel like a human being anymore. I feel like a robot, getting out of bed and feeding babies in the middle of the night and just going, going, going all day long every day. I feel like there is NOTHING to me anymore. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I look like fucking HELL with my hacked up bangs that haven't seen a hairdresser's scissors yet THIS YEAR and my overgrown eyebrows and my grown out roots and my undereye circles from hell. I'm still wearing maternity shirts because I don't want my cute shirts to get stained from spitup and leaking formula (those fucking lameass leaky Avent bottles!! I hate them!!!) I don't have any bras that fit right anymore - I haven't bought new underwear since before the FIRST twins were born. I haven't bought new jeans or capris or cute little tank tops or new shoes in like, a year and a half. Until we can sell that motherfucking albatross of a townhome, we can't afford anything extra at all - but hell, even if I were freakin' LOADED, when would I go shopping for new clothes?? I don't have time to get A SHOWER every single day, and there are MANY days where it's noon before I realize I haven't brushed my teeth yet. All I do is take care of these children 24/7. That's my entire life, save for the one night a month I go to my twin club meetings.
And I don't know what to do about it. I really don't have a fucking clue. Yesterday, I was SO EXCITED that I met some mommies - that we could potentially hang out and my kids could make friends - today, I feel like - why bother? Why should I be seeking out friendships I won't have time to maintain? Why should I be trying to make playdates that I'll have to leave after half an hour because my kids are just too much for one person to handle? And why can't I handle my own freakin' kids?? Is it ever going to get better? Because it seems like it's just going to get HARDER, dude. As it is, when I go out for the day with my kids anywhere, I come home freakin' EXHAUSTED. Four trips from the house to the car to load the kids up, and four trips from the car to the house to unload them. And however many trips to unload groceries and stuff. After pushing my 80-pound stroller with sixty pounds of kids in it, and pulling a cart of groceries behind me all through the store. What else am I supposed to do? I can't figure it out. For so long, I thought, "The kids and I are going stir crazy in this house. We need to get OUT." Now I think, "Is it REALLY worth the hassle??" I'd open up some wine and drink it straight out of the bottle, except I'm still on the clock until midnight and then I have to get up again probably at 3 or 4 and then for good by 6 or 7.
Anyway. I guess I'm just rambling here, but I do have a point: I'm tired. I'm getting burned out. As much as I adore these little monkeys, I need to get the hell away from them for a little while. I need a break. I need some help. As much as I try to play supermom and do everything, I just can't DO all this shit. I just can't. I keep trying, and I feel like I'm failing miserably. Some days you can walk into my house and the kitchen is clean and the kids are dressed and I smell good, and other days, there are still Froot Loops on the floor from breakfast - the previous day! I've GOT to find somebody out there to help me a little bit.
How, exactly, does one go about finding a very very part-time nanny? Like, less than ten hours a week? An hour or two a day, or maybe two five hour days or something like that. Where do I find someone like this? And how much will it cost? I'm hoping and praying that we can swing it, but at this point, I'll cheerfully sell off my worldly possessions on eBay, as long as I can get a fucking nap and go to Starbucks and clean my bathrooms and go get my hair cut AT A SALON.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. Don't worry that I'm going to go all Mary Alice or anything. You know me, Miss Suzy Fucking Sunshine, and by tomorrow, I'll be my old happy self again, I'm sure.
posted by Unknown at 3:54 PM
16 Comments:
oh, Laura... I love you! I feel for you and wish there was more I could do. I can tell you that I felt tired after going out with TWO kids who are two years apart, so I can only imagine what it would feel like to do it with 4. Well, I guess I would have been twice as tired! LOL!
I do hope that you can find someone to help you part-time. Is there no way Paul can help out more? One night a month is not enough for you to keep your sanity. I would think 1 night a WEEK to be more like it.
I just keep thinking that God has a plan and doesn't give us more than we can handle... and I think he must have made you pretty damn strong.
Another thing I was thinking - don't give up on the new friends. Maybe you guys could arrange some sort of babysitting co-op where you all take turns getting a break. And what about the moms at the twins club - could they help? Could they have resources for you as far as finding a nanny of some sort?
Hang in there, babe, and know you're never far from my thoughts. And you know what? You don't HAVE to always have your shit together. You're only human. And you're a damn good mom regardless.
oh man,ofcourse i cant say i know exactly how you feel ,but with just me and the girls I'm the same way...how to get everything done! hugs and fuzzy thoughts to you.k8
I dont know what you are going through but I feel for you.
If I was in Colorado I would come and help you for free. I love babies and it would be really fun.
Good luck on your part part time nanny. Try a high school kid this summer. Post at the high school before school lets out in a month.
Aww Laura :( You do need some help around there. You're only one person and even the most energetic of people need a break once in a while. You may be able to find a part time nanny or you could contact friends with a teen that might like to make some pocket money. Have them come over and allow you to shower, shave, relax, etc.. Of course you're burning out. Who wouldn't? You're doing more in a day than some have to do in a week combined. {{{{Hugs}}}} I hope you get some help around there soon hon.
I just had anxiety attack reading this.
I need to get in touch with you and I don't know if I have your current email address. Can you drop me a line (chrisandedee@gmail.com) please?
EdenM
(momof2boys.com)
I'm with Eden,
I felt my anxiety go up about five notches and every single feeling of exhaustion and over whelmed I ever had while Dylan was a baby hit me full force and he was but *ONE*.
Dude you got to get help. If no one else will say it, I will. I don't know how your going to do it but you get help now. You are heading full force for a serious breakdown if for no other reason then exhaustion.
Call the moms in your twin club, someone has GOT to have a babysitter they use or know someone who does or even have a resource for part time baby sitters.
Look up nanny in the phone book, whats a call going to hurt? Call and tell them look, I don't need full time I need a couple afternoons off, can you help or know a place that can. Hell while your at it look up baby sitter.
Contact your local YMCA, they used to have a baby sitting class and I think Blue cross might too and then they kept the names of the girls who where looking to babysit on a list.
I think your best resource is your club if anyone will understand they will and you need to stop thinking you can do it all RIGHT NOW and BEG FOR HELP if you have too.
We women try to take it all on and sometimes you just have to say, I can't do it anymore. Once you do that, generally you will find the help you need.
I ain't the praying type but my thoughts are with you, if I think of anything else I'll let you know.
Oh and another thing, you are an amazing woman. I hope you know that. What you are doing is far more then any human should have to do and you are doing it REALLY well with that in mind. NEVER forget that. Your strength on a daily basis never ceases to amaze me and YES even when you say you are tired, it takes strength to do that too.
Keep your chin up, it will get better and I have no doubt if you decide to really pursue it you will find the help you need. You call EVERYONE you know and get them on the case, someone will turn something up.
sorry I rambled.
Kari
I recommend putting an ad up at the local community college for an education or child development student looking for part time work. More qualified and dependable than high school kids and less expensive than older or professional nannies. That is how I found the girl I used for almost four years, 25 hours a week and she was thrilled as hell with 7 dollars an hour cash. Although that ended about 4 years ago. With four babies I'm thinking the going rate is prolly around 10 bucks. Anyway, it's still a good investment.
By the way, speaking as someone who has had a major life change of her own this year---back to work full time in january after nearly exactly 10 years at home full time--- I understand the "I feel like I'm running my ass off and getting nowhere" mindset. We all feel that way a lot of times, including in the ratrace working world. When I feel that way though, I just tell myself that everything I do DOES make a difference even if it seems like it doesn't. We all have our own chaos and frustrations and eventually it goes away! Good luck.
Laura, What about a girl from the high school, maybe one in a child care class? Our high school had those and I'll bet they'd be willing to be a mothers helper for cheaper than a regular sitter...even if just to take the big babies out of the house to the play ground or outside to play or walk or something...?
--Colleen
You poor, poor Mama. I hope you wake up Sunday to Marry Poppins floating right through your door. Not many of us can even begin to imagine what it's like to live your life. I sure can't!
What about Moms of older kids in your neighborhood? Sometimes people whose kids have grown up miss having little ones around. I wrote about that a week or so ago, how I walk 4 or 5 miles every day with other moms, and how we'd love to have some neighborhood babies we could push along. We don't know how to recruit babies with being branded weirdos, though.
I hope you get a break soon.
My kids are 18 mos apart and I very very rarely take them anywhere with me. It is not fun to take them some place where all I do is chase them and tell them to stop climbing, hitting, etc. I can only imagine your frustration and I am SO sorry you are so burnt out. That tired feeling is plain awful...AWFUL.
I agree with the other ladies that said to try to get a high school student. Someone that lives close by that could come over a couple hours a day, just to let you run out for a bit, or shower, or just nap for 30 mins.
Hang in there. it HAS to get better and easier, right??
(((((((((((((Laura)))))))))))) I wish there was something I could do to make it easier on you. I hope you can get someone in there to help. There are several nanny agencies out there that do the screening and everything. You just choose the hours. I'm not sure how much they cost.
http://www.nannynetwork.com/
This has tons of links on the side.
http://www.nanniesinfo.com/nannychild-care/
I found this one too...
http://www.coloradokids.com/kidsscoop/
I just wanna send you a BIG ASS HUG!!!
(((Laura))) I sure hope you can find someone to help out - even if it was only so that you could get an afternoon nap or something.
This post made me cry. I really wish I could do something to help you. I thought I was busy with triplets (now almost 3) and a 7-year old Diabetic son, but I have so much family help, I feel very lucky all the time.
If you lived in Ottawa, I would do your hair for free (I'm a hairstylist). It broke my heart to read that you can't get out to a hairstylist. It's so important to look good to feel good.
Maybe you can get your hubby to look after the kids for one hour each night to pamper yourself? Is that possible? Where you just lay down, or have a shower, or something?
I put my kids in high chairs when I need to do something alone with the tv on, so they can watch and I can be busy or whatever. Even though they are almost 3. I also keep giving them bottles at this late age because it helps keep them quiet for about 20 mins.
Wishing the best for you,
Ronnie, www.geocities.com/scizzorhappyone
{{{{{{{{{{laura}}}}}}}}}
I cant even imagine being that tired...I know how hard I thought it was with just ONE kid, let alone 5 kids, 4 small ones. I know that everyone else has said it's going to get better, and it will. Sleep is so 2004 anyways right? There are a lot of teenagers looking for pt sitting jobs in the summertime, and not that I am into child cheap labor or anything, lol, but they will work pretty cheap...cheaper then most nanny services will charge you guys.
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